Most people who struggle with anger don’t understand how it works. For example, many people with anger issues have a strong belief that anger is bad and that they shouldn’t feel so angry. But this just leads to a vicious cycle of self-judgment followed by more intense anger. A lot of people think that anger needs to be “expressed” and “let out” otherwise, it will “boil over” and become “toxic.” However, this view tends to encourage venting and rumination, which only makes anger more intense in the long term. If you want to develop a healthier and more effective relationship with anger, it’s important to think more clearly about it. Here are four surprising facts about anger and how they can help you deal with your anger better by changing the way you think about and respond to it.
- Anger Is Not a Negative Emotion (It’s a Pleasurable One)
When you give people a list of emotions and ask them to sort them into “Positive Emotions” and “Negative Emotions,” anger always ends up in the negative emotion pile—along with guilt, anxiety, shame, sadness, regret, and all the rest. However, in reality, no emotion is inherently positive or negative. Even if you’re more careful with your language and use the terms negative and positive emotions to describe how emotions feel, it’s still not the case that anger would be a negative emotion. The reason is deceptively simple: Anger feels good. Most people think of anger as negative because they associate it with aggressive or destructive behaviors, self-judgments, and negative reactions from others. But none of those things are anger itself. When you pay attention to how you feel when you’re experiencing anger, you may find that it’s much closer to pleasure than pain. We feel angry when we perceive and understand something to be unjust, and when we think someone else is in the wrong, it makes us feel good. We often do things that maintain our anger because the feeling of anger is rewarding and pleasurable.
- Anger Is Different Than Aggression
If you struggle with anger, it’s important to understand that anger is an emotion, while aggression is a behavior. For example, if a coworker makes a sarcastic comment about your idea during a meeting, you may feel angry (emotion) and quickly reply with your own sarcastic comment about them (aggressive verbal behavior). It’s important to acknowledge and validate the anger but control the aggression.
- Excess Anger Comes From Excess Thinking
Everybody gets angry. It’s perfectly normal and healthy. But some people get really angry, almost to the point of losing control. This excessive anger often comes from excessive thinking. When we ruminate on the source of our anger or dwell on past events that made us angry, we intensify our anger. Learning to let go of excessive thinking can help reduce excessive anger.
