I have a close family member who mistreated me for years, and even though we’ve discussed our issues from childhood, those conversations have been unhelpful. I’ve accepted that I can’t change them or the past, but I wonder if I have truly forgiven them.

Forgiveness is complex and varies across cultures and religions. From a psychological perspective, many people seek forgiveness outside of these contexts. Here are three key ideas to consider when trying to forgive someone.

Forgiveness Is Behavior, Not a Feeling

Many people struggle with forgiveness because they misunderstand its true meaning, often focusing on their desired feelings instead of the necessary actions. For instance, a young woman wanted to forgive her parents for unmet emotional needs but mainly wanted to stop feeling anger and sadness. An older man sought to forgive his best friend for an affair but realized he wanted to forget and eliminate his anger and guilt. Similarly, a client aimed to forgive himself for cheating but was primarily seeking relief from guilt.

These examples highlight that many confuse forgiveness with relief from emotions. While forgiveness can bring some relief, it’s essential to recognize that forgiveness is about behavior, not feelings. It’s your choice; you can only control your decision to forgive, not your emotions or others’ responses.

You might ask, “What do I do to forgive? What does it look like?” This is a complicated question. While forgiveness is a behavior, it’s not only about physical actions. Yes, you might choose to tell someone you forgive them, but that’s not necessary. You can forgive someone even if they are no longer alive.

At its core, forgiveness is a mental action. In short, forgiveness means taking control of your thoughts.

If you’re thinking, “I’ve done that and still don’t feel like I’ve truly forgiven,” this often comes from another misunderstanding about forgiveness, leading us to the next point.

Forgiveness Is a Commitment, Not an Event

Many people seeking forgiveness actually desire to forget painful memories and emotions. However, our minds don’t work that way; significant injuries are hard to forget, and expecting a way to forgive that erases those memories is misguided.

If someone has hurt you, those memories and feelings will persist. While this may seem discouraging, it doesn’t have to be. The intensity and frequency of these feelings can diminish over time. Those who have genuinely forgiven often remember the hurt but manage to cope with it better.

Forgiveness Is About the Future, Not the Past

Imagine two people, Serena and Robert, who have both been hurt by someone close to them and are trying to forgive.

Serena is a dedicated high school history teacher and a single mom raising three young kids. Despite financial worries, she enjoys her relationship and feels optimistic about the future.

Robert, a partner at a prestigious law firm, enjoys the status but is dissatisfied with his job. He has a stable yet distant relationship with his wife and spends weekends playing golf, but lacks other hobbies or clear aspirations.

Given what we know, Serena is more likely to succeed in forgiveness. She maintains a forward-looking, optimistic outlook, supporting her healing. In contrast, Robert appears stuck in his routine, lacking motivation and clarity about his future.

People who forgive often focus on what lies ahead, using their sense of purpose to release the past. Those who struggle with forgiveness typically dwell on past hurts, leaving their future unfulfilled.

Letting go of the past is difficult without a positive future in sight. Knowing your goals, values, and dreams makes forgiveness easier. It’s about focusing on what helps you now and moving forward, choosing to live for what you want rather than being trapped by what you don’t.

Tips by Nick Wignall.